Wednesday, December 11, 2013

An Empirical Assay of Unimaginative Floridian Nomenclature, Part I

I can't help but notice, as I drive up and down the winding streets of our fair state, just how ridiculously generic the names of most of the resorts, motels, hotels, and subdivisions are. I mean, you could write down every remotely-ocean-location-related word in the thesaurus on scraps of paper, then pick them two of them out of a hat, and the result would probably be a real existing actual place. I can be often heard shouting in the car while driving, with no one to hear me except the Ocho brothers on the dashboard, "Come on, people, show some imagination! You spent three quarters of a million dollars on this place and the best freakin' name you could come up with was "Sea Breeze"??"

I'm not wrong. Submitted for analysis:

Siesta Key:

Island House, Island Reef, Banana Bay, Siesta Sands, Siesta Sandcastle, Siesta Sun, Siesta Sunset Royale, Beach Palms, Siesta Pearl, Siesta Palms, Siesta Dunes, Siesta Breakers, Tropical Breeze, Tropical Shores, Tropical Sands, White Sands, Crystal Sands, Beachpoint, Sea Crest, Sandbox, Sandy Cove, Parrot Beach, Palm Bay, Sea Club, Beach Bungalow, Sea Shell, Tropical Sun, Sunsets, Bay Oaks, Harbor Towers, Gulf Beach, Gulf Haven, Fisherman's Cove, Fisherman's Haven, Fisherman's Village, and possibly the prize-taker of them all, A Gulf View At Midnight Cove.


Sarasota Sands, Sarasota Lakes, Beach Club, Three Palms, Sun-n-Fun, Surfview, Suntide Island, Coral Cove, Sundial, Flamingo Colony, Horseshoe Cove, The Dock On The Bay, Seabreeze Inn, Tides Inn, Islander, Coquina On The Beach, Palm Place, Orchid Oaks, Seaboard Oaks, Pelican Cove, Sunset Towers, Citrus Square.

Venice/Casey Key:

Island Breeze, Island Sun, Inn At The Beach, Venice Beach Villas, Venice Palm Inn, Suntan Terrace, Island House, Gulfside, Gulf Sands, Gulf Surf, Beachcomber, Quarterdeck, Bird Bay, Gulf Horizons, Casa Del Mar, Villa Del Mar, Hacienda Del Mar, Fountain View, Island Park, Venice Sands, Inlets, Fairwinds, Gulf To Bay, Blackburn Cove, Blackburn Harbour, Venice Vacation, Suncoast Plaza, Casa Del Sol, Fantasy Island, Ocean Sands, Heron Cove, Harbor Isles, Paradise Cove At Lemon Bay.


Sandrift, Sandpiper Bay Club, Pelican Bay, Rum Bay, Avellino Isles, Blue Heron, Ibis Club, Partridge Point, Cypress Gate, Vista Palms, Bay Terrace, Four Winds, Baypoint At Naples Cay, Spindrift, Sandy Cay, Surfsedge, Coquina Club, Heron Club, Bayfront, Bayshore At Park Place, Naples Cay, Del Mar Club, Regal Point, La Villa Riviera, Admiralty Point, Solamar, Park Shore Landings, The Breakers, Indies West, Gulf Winds, South Bay, Bayswater, Twin Dolphins, Sunrise Bay, Sunshine Resort, Island Escapes, Water's Edge, Sandcastle, Hideaway Beach, South Seas, Lemon Tree, Cove Inn, Edgewater Beach, Bayfront Inn, Coral Falls, Players Cove, Cove Inn On Naples Bay, Del Mar At Coquina Sands.


Gator Lodge, Pelican Roost, Pelican Point, Seahorse, One Ocean, Casa Marina, Sun Suites, Baymeadows, Bay Villa, Green Cove, Casa Bella, Marsh Point, Oceania, Seascape, South Shore, Southbrook, Bermuda Bay, Water's Edge, Ocean 14, Florida Club, Sandpiper, Cabana Club, Villa Riva, Broadview, The Fountains, Ocean Grove, Vista Del Mar.

St. Petersburg/St. Pete's Beach:

Sundial, Dolphin, Palm Crest, Sea Chest, Beach Haven, Tahitian, Suncoast, Beachcomber, Hideaway Sands, Trade Winds, Sunrise, Windjammer, Island's End, Bayview Plaza, Beach House, Island Inn, Sunset Vistas, Crystal Palms, Gulf Beach, South Beach, Treasure Bay, Sea Jay, Ebb Tide, West Winds, Wide Waters, Waterside, Bayside, Oasis Palms, Sunrise, Voyager Beach Club, Algiers Gulf, Bahia Del Mar, Sand Pebble, Tropic Terrace, Gulf Side, Gulf Gate, Mariner, Sand Dune, Surf Beach, Treasure Shores, Swashbuckler, Coral Lee, Sea Breeze, Flamingo, Peninsula Inn, Barefoot Beach, Surfs Inn, Bayway, Surfsong, Shoreline, Sea Dawn, Holiday Isles, The Pier, The Commodore, Sea Turtle, Vina Del Mar, Holiday Island, Island Gulf, Changing Tides, The Schooner, Gulf Gardens, Grand Shores, Island House, Palm Bay.


Point Bay, Marina Blue, Seacoast, South Beach, Water Club, Lake Beach, Island Terrace, Terrace Towers, South Bay, Bay Court, Flamingo, Ocean Point, South Point, River View, River Breeze, Orange Manor, Coral Pointe, Sun Isles, Moonglow, Park View, Bay View, Miami Bayview, Venice Villa, Blue Bay, South Shores, Waterside, Sailboat Cay, Capri Gardens, Island Point, Bay Harborview, West Bay, Colony Bay Harbor, Surfside, Four Winds, Three Horizons, Seaway Villa, Surf House, Mariners Bay, Coral Towers, Bayview Palms, Bayview Towers, Star Lakes, Sand Piper, Summertree, Tall Tree, Jade Winds, Ocean View, Ocean Reserve, Ocean Three, Marina Bay, Eden Point, Eden Isles, Waterpointe, Point East, Admirals Port, Oceania, Harbor House, Beach Club, The Tides, Sea Edge, Harborside, Golden Surf, Golden Isles, South View, Castillo Del Mar, Ocean Palms, Orange Grove, Tropic Garden, Royal Palm, Coconut Grove, Blue Ocean Reef, Ocean Spray, South Seas, Surfcomber, Starlite, Altos Del Mar, Five Star Island, Grand Beach, Sun Harbour, Golden Bay.

Sand Key/Madeira Beach/Treasure Island:

Westwinds, South Beach, Gulf Winds, The Palms. Surf Beach, Gulf Strand, Gulf Beach, Three Palms, Dolphin Cay, Bermuda Bay, Hideaway Sands, Silver Sands, Sail Away, Island Inn, Boca Shores, Gulf Winds, Sandcastle, Beach Place, Tides Beach Club, Surfside Towers, Anglers Cove, Sea Oats, Tower Isle, Gulf Shores, Sand Dollar, Westshore, Vista Bay, Tahitian Towers, Sea Gate, Pier House, Sand Castle, Waterfalls, Water's Edge, Beach Way, Cay Pointe, Shipwatch, Gulf Manors, Sea Club, Dolphin Reef, Driftwood, Harbour Club, Reef Club, Harborage, Cabana Club, South Beach.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I mean, we can't expect everyplace to have as hip a name as El Presidente, but damn, y'all, let's try to be a cut above and at least try to come up with something a little less mundane and more memorable, mm'kay?

I should also note that most of these names are apparently conceived on crack, because they're not even close to being a descriptor of the property. If you're going to use "Isles" in the name, you really shouldn't be located twenty miles inland. If you're calling yourself something with "Palm" in the title, you really oughta go out and plant at least one palm tree, y'know, just to be official about it. And am I some sort of kook for thinking it's weird if you call yourself something-something-harbor or something-something-cove when there's no harbor and no cove?

It's the same everywhere you go, I suppose. I remember back home in Kentucky, one is confronted everywhere one looks by subdivisions with names like "Poplar Estates" and there ain't a damn poplar tree in sight. I imagine if pressed, the developer would say something like, "erm, well, you see, there were poplar trees here before we built these McMansions....."

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